Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone ring so at 5 am. All this crap about his kids "coming first" is just thatcrap. And, when I'm not 100%, then he's not being cared for. Submitted by DependentOrigination on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 10:32. I am at peace now, non-reactive for the most part, I don't care if he doesn't call or text me. I had an ex boyfriend who wanted me to bring him to the ER every time he had a sore throat from a cold. Even though we were engaged and had a date set, I still shouldn't have gotten pregnant, and THAT action left me with something that I would have to deal with the rest of my life. "He worked all week ~ he's Tired and Deserves to Rest"!!! (Daddy issues?). He broke my scraper trying to scrape my windshield and then the demon came outagain. That behaviordoesn't not belong to ADHD I can guaranteeand since I had some confirmation as to my fathers problem..I can say that in his casethat was NPD! It's not even his fault because stupid idiot "women" like you let men like him treat you like crap. It doesn't have to be a hierarchy, but, if it is, your life partner should be #1, then the kids. I really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours! This has been validating. A few weeks ago, he reiterated (I think he's said this once before) why nothing worked: while he professed to wanting a relationship with me, he actually is unable to form personal connections. Pleasure. Just comes to the door and looks at me like a piece of meat and then walks away and leaves after all of that? I jokingly call(ed) her "Florence Nightingale" because even others would notice how completely oblivious she was/is to any illness or discomfort on my part. I have learned to compartmentalize my life and he is 20% of it now. Like I was some animal in the Zooand he was just coming to see the specimen out of curiosity. Recently I was knocked down by a Now he is fine with it, he got used to it and I feel its because I did not cave in to the codependency. If you talk about how he's not connecting with you and that's disappointing to you, the issue is HIM. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. When a spouse is seriously ill, Bocchiere Now not now and love. Do you notice periods of lucidity between the bouts of rage? Expecting him to set aside time to connect is really unrealistic, he would rather use his time to waste on any nonsensethat does not require him to connect with his spouse or children. Someone who at times would look at me and just smile, (as if we shared a special secret), with eyes that showed gentleness, patience and strength, but with a reverent humility. He came home from work at 9pm and I said I was throwing up and had terrible stomach cramps etc. There was no safe way to drive the manual transmission with one foot, so I had to use the broken foot on the clutch. The reception was held at a house, in he back yard. How would he manage without me, his Bandaid? I think many spouses with ADD are extremely selfish and will never realize that a healthy relationship requires compromise, compassion, and patience. I am a romantic to this day. Hewas an abusive, narcissistic Asshole. He shows no concern for me - and this has to be narcissistic personality disorder. Yes, the victim mentality and what you said is so true. No words. Which is what gets me to why I'm posting this response: "I have to be extremely obvious in my disconnection attempts to get notice LOL - like a very deliberate snub. Well, this time, I was calm, I got out of the car and changed my mind but he told me to get back in. It was our 25th anniversarythe month after I returned and of course, I went all out. Otherwise I think you need to stop acting like a child when sick. Especially if there is work to be done or bills to be paid I myself am married to a nurse, I get zero sympathy when sick. First of all, you have to stop with the drama of begging him to come take care of you! Or begging him to drive you home. I can understand mentionin I've been reading the posts for the last few weeks with great interest. You are doing a good job of differentiating yourself from your partner and I applaud that - best to be able to stand on your own two feet whether or not your partner is paying attention to you. Your partner sounds as if he's not good at transitions (i.e. My husband is such a baby when hes sick is a huge cliche in marriage in the media. That's life. I don't trust him now, and I have good reason not to. He refused to tend to me as I was going into shock. AskMen, Become a Better Man, Big Shiny Things, Mantics and guyQ are among the federally Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:18. He thinks about "whatever", in the moment he's in. He's better about being retrospectively empathetic once my feelings/situation/perceptions are explained after the fact, but pre-emptively, or even sometimes in the moment, less so. Or pulled a muscle in my back. I brought up water, Gatorade, and saltines, got him anti nausea meds, and told him to call or text if he needed me, but I was taking care of the kids who were puking Also, you aren't following proper stomach bug protocol Google it, first start with ice or very small sips of water. Set up a way for it to not be inconsistent. Thankfully, our two children were happy to help me. If you read anything about attachment theory, the bottom line is that if you had a parent who didn't attach to you, or rejected you, then you mostly likely develop an unhealthy attachment style you use with others. Lately he finds more reasons than not to leave the house to help someone else anybody else. Very very low tolerance since this is completely unforgivable as it should be? There's definitely a disconnect. Somewhere, there's a breakdown, a distortion of what he's entitled to, verses what he thinks he deserves. I like the don't be upset if I pull a you on you comment. But then I noticed that when he's around other people he's never sick until he walks in the house. When I'm sick no one asks what I need to make me less miserable. Fortunately, I feel a little better now. I could barely limp about and it was rapidly getting worse. He is scared about his health lately. I will always do my best but not at the price of my sanity.". Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 16:22. I have an illness. Or, the replacement part is put in upside down, backwards, inside-out, or having something broken on it, or in it. Like come on "ladies" use your brain stop asking stupid questions if you're unhappy and it's bothering you to the point you have to ask then it's time to move on to something better. I was trying to do something simple. No wonder folks with ADHD have built up some walls. It was horrible since I did it secretly. Have enough respect without ego to treat yourself with a non-toxic man or woman. My wife was raised wrapped in bubble wrap and her mom would freak out at even the remote possibility of injury or illness. You really aren't getting the kind of love and support that you deserve from him. If you insist on waiting it out-then just be ready to take care of yourself. And when things happen to the kids the "mom" is always like I didn't know he would do that to our kids and abuse them even though I did. I offered to set it up on his phone but of course he won't relinquish his phone, which is another story, and the primary basis of my divorce request. Do I wish that were not the case? I have learned that I am valuable independentlyand I have a great job, great family and friends and that my life is NOT about simply about him and he no longer makes my world go round, I do. And.as I have confirmed my father ( the Narc ) did this as well? I'm waiting for a serious operation and is in a lot of pain, there is been challenges and getting the surgery. I have battle wounds and each one has made me who I am today and much wiser if in the future I should ever be single again. He has No responsibility for any of his behavior or actions. Make him whatever type of soup he wants, bring him medicine, rub his head etc. I'm curious to see a female's perspective on this, especially someone who has been married to see if this holds true. Fear,is the one that gets the most use, and what he bases most of his interactions with. Thats it. But god forbid he do anything out of his way for me. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 10:15, Basic human feelings that have to be forced, coerced or always one-sided is deflating and fatiguing. He stormed up to me, angrily, shouting WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? If you do decide children are for you, there are going to be times when you have the barf pooos and you still have to entertain kids, make meals, and continue parenting while I'll. Don't let the ADHD make you feel any worse you need the peace and quiet to recover gently. I know some have stated this, others have said the opposite. Everyone, strangers and those that love and tolerate him see an issue. I was so ill from stress and he never checked on me. It's the thought that matters <3. Pain beyond belief. Nothing builds or sticks over the years. During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! We can't FIX some of this stuff on our own. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 09:54. Perhaps he would consider reading the free treatment e-book (look in the treatment guide for it) and also consider adding some 'attend time' to his schedule. I m not saying it s right, but I am not putting in the effort for someone who lies to my face about everything. I don't understand why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse. I actually yelled at him, told him how selfish he is. I wish you the best. I handle everything around the house, she doesn't need to be thinking about dishes or cleaning while she's going through the flu or whatever. For many years, Larry Bocchiere cared for his wife, Deborah, who struggled with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. The one hoarding in the place you are trying to sell? Submitted by Resentful on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54. But don't be the version of youthat is currentlyin his face. but I am trying to get past the resentment so now it simply feels like a friendship and some days like room mates but my goal is to remain pleasant and loving, as I would treat a friend. Recallingthe time I told him I was really sick in the morning before swim workout and he told me I had to go anyway? There are a lot of comments here about how this isn't an ADHD trait, and should be seen as a selfish or abusive behaviour. Stop selling your soul for sex, money or a sense of security. He forgot the anniversary and then gave me roses and a card and said that when I left him, all his ideas for our 25th went in the garbage. He lovesfamily when they are joking with him, but not if they need him. It was a high pressure job in sales and recruiting, with a manager who later got in trouble for harrassingstaff and being absolutely unprofessional. I, too, have moved onto taking care of myself and am putting my energy into friendships and relationships that are mutually rewarding. Thats Third possible explanation: your wife doesn't want to get sick and thus avoids you? Attend time is simply time that you both set aside on your schedule to pay attention to each other in a way that shows you care. My A-Hole ex Husband was a jerk to me when I broke my foot the year before we divorced. So yes, I was sick and I gave myself the day and decided to go to work where I am around normal people that dote on me. Don't worry your anxiety to high and relax. All I have to say about that is..THAT..is some Fucked Up Shit.right there!! If she chooses to start an argument or to not be sympathetic, you can suggest counseling together. He despises sickness- like it is a form of weakness or something. Angry loud voice- "Where do youwant to go!?" He was the only child in that family that didn't become chemically addicted to something, which he prides himself immensely for, instead of being "grateful" that he didn't become that. Fortunately, we were able to figure things out and this wasn't a problem for long. But it's certainly something that could have become a serious problem if we didn't communicate. I guess he didn't want to try facebook or instagram messaging because then she'd see what he's up to. WebMy girlfriend thinks I don't care for her but I do she's been sick for the past two days and I been trying to be nice by doing mostly everything for her I have to walk her to the bathroom give her medicine wash dishes pick up her groceries try to cook even though I'm not that good at it I have to get the bathtub filled for her I try my best to WebNo, that's not normal in a loving marriage. Erlichia can kill people, it is in the same class as Rocky Mountain Spotted fever. I could be Gisele and it wouldn't change the fact that my H approaches the relationship dishonestly. However I do notice every time I'm sick, my husband acts as if he sick. He said I always run to my room when this happens and it will happen again. Not my H. He'd blow a gasket and likely also yell at me for ruining his life. So Jan 14, 2018. He went to the session and was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD. Being unhelpful when someone is sick or injured strongly suggests either Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD. I am, however, hesitant, super hesitant, to engage when 90 percent of what comes out of his mouth is a lie. We had an argument this morning where he says I am always in pain, etc. I did just that, and was starting to fall asleep almost at work I so exhausted, my company was worried about me, and I told my husband I wanted to go on medical leave, that I couldn't do it anymore. I WISH I was kidding. Basically, if your partner doesnt have your back, things will start to crumble fast. I didn't get medical help until nearly 12 hours later. Yes my H also has ADHD, but it's not ADHD that causes his horrible behaviors, particularly when I'm sick/injured. If there IS, it's usually in a complaint or verbal assault on someone or something, that irritated him, again, "at the moment". I never get any sympathy from him, but my children hug me, draw me upside down rainbows because I am in pain and can't smile, and try to help me. WebMaybe he's the kind of person who doesn't want to be bothered when he's sick. I have no compassion in my heart for this and I have no means to find it or excuse this as anything more than totally Fucked Up Shit!!! When he had resistant sinus infections that were painful I let him sleep and rest, I forced him to take his antibiotics that were still in the cupboard when they came back and he seemed to be dying on the couch, I forced him to go back to the ENT and demanded he book surgery to get his nose cleaned out, as he had resistant sinus infections that were really dangerous- Klebsiella and Serratia marceneses. This becomes a real problem for me in one area especially. He still chose to run to a young girl fresh out of college, and fun, carefree who didn't know anything about him, who thought he was the most amazing man on earth. He doesn't seem to catch up or even see it. Ya, it sucks being sick but it's a stomach bug. Lol. Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. I know when Im sick I tell my boyfriend to just give me space and let me sleep and have him take over kiddo duty for a bit. Some otc antacids helped. Submitted by PoisonIvy on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 15:38. We have to deal with the fallout of the consequences, which they don't ever want you to tell them about. Hinting at your desires will most likely push her further away. Being Married to Someone Who Doesn't Care. Im worried and curious what to look for. (Although I didn't make him do the dishes). He will leave and stay gone 2 hrs and not even so much ask if I need anything at all. Well, yes, I have an Autoimmune condition that causes it. I think that it's true. is already like this, it will only get worse. It may make it more difficult to resolve differences or conflicts and the same Submitted by peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07. Then, why the * are they looking for a life partner in the first place?. How would you like her to act? Newly wed so some things are quite new. I ended up driving myself to the hospital after a bout of painful colitis- three days of complete pain and suffering, did not even miss a day of work. That's why the 'pursuit' or 'in your face' strategy that you are using fails. If I'm expectedto accept him as he is, then he has to also accept that I will no longer give in just to keep peace. But just like I learned when I lost my job two years ago, a job I thought defined me, one singular part of my life does not define me. ExpectingH to become someone he cannot/will not be is futile. I couldn't even keep them down or even water it was so bad and my mom called the Doc back and he said if I couldn't keep the water or pills down to take me into the emergency room? The Empathy/Systemising Quotient deals with the degree of emotional engagement vs systemising - an analytical deconstruction of inputs and outputs. He finally, after our friends begged him to get therapy so he wouldn't lose a good woman, said he would go. Emotionless. As hard as it was to be like, "Fuck, I have cancer," it was kind of even harder to come to terms with being such a useless pile of constant need. My husband is friendly and nice until I am sick. And that was just with a scratchy throat. Please share ~ the relief is amazing! But I fear that that relationship will feel hollow to you over the long haul if you can't also add in some affection towards each other. Would she normally kiss you before going to work? not good. The world should recognize his presence and he should be treated with utmost respect while giving none in returnto ANYONE! Not doing anything about it will make you resentful. The saying goes, "Don't be mad when I pull a you, on you." The grass wasn't greener on the other side but my grass would probably never be any better so there needed to be changes on my side. I was being somewhat sarcastic in my response. How a Narcissist Treats a Chronically Ill Spouse. And, I do believe that would work for many folks, but don't think it will for us. Got plenty of time to think about it. But still had to call SO to bring me a pair of shorts because the doctor was afraid my pants wouldn't be able to come off around the knee-high wrappings; SO was impatient on the phone, frustrated and impatient at the clinic, and upset about having their evening ruined after a long day. You know where I keep my emergency information, when to call 911. My husband responded to me that if I went on medical leave I would have to stop seeing my doctor because he wouldn't pay for it anymore. There is no reason under the son a man or woman should be second to anyone when it comes to survival in health, shelter or love period. But know that people can take a while to be retrained to react differently. Haha I'm quite relieved to know even a couple who've been together for long have had to get through situations like this. Maybe she doesnt even realize shes doing it. If you feel leaving him will make you happy then do it. My "H" is 100% total Narcissistic! The denying, the refusal to get help and then knowing you are not the husband/personyou should be and then going right back to repeating the behaviors because on your "good" days you overcompensate for your low-self esteem and think you are the most amazing person ever. Submitted by vabeachgal on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:25. First, BE a person with whom he would be dying to connect. Sorry, this post was deleted by the person who originally posted it. I handle everything around the house, she doesn't need to be thinking about dishes or cleaning while I agree 100%. God forbid that I ever get anything serious. Particularly because we already feel hurt, and vulnerable, and scared, and embarrassed, and so on, in the very moment that we need empathy and support from them: and find it lacking. It s supposed to make me feel better because it s not just me. Press J to jump to the feed. Maybe a spouse is a lousy caregiver, or just as sick if not sicker; maybe you never noticed till now that certain local family members are better at receiving than giving. He is Always the "Victim" and Everything is Always My Fault! But in the end, that doesn't matter either. (Soup after you just threw up is too soon). I agree his kids should come first. His mother died in a plane crash, this would finish him off if I left, etc. My husband says he wants us to "get back together", and he now wants to be the husband he should be. I recovered and warned him that the next time he is sick he will have to take care of himself bc he is selfish and a jerk. I emotionally detached from my husband, hated him for being in the way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable. Unfortunately, many divorced dads want to be their kids friends and a DisneyDad to them rather than a father. My husband thinks it's hilarious to ask when I'll be sexually available again but balks when I ask him for some ice to settle my stomach. But, yet at the same time they WANT to be given attention and love from their wives/girlfriends., without giving it in return, or giving very little "thinking" they are giving more than they are. Born with a congenital heart condition, she survived two open heart surgeries before age 4. My experience with ADD people is they are takers. It already feels very hollow after 27 years of being the mush in the marriage and being the romantic and making plans for us, movies (last week I made plans with him to see a movie and hours later he got sidetracked in his mancave and left me flat with tickets in hand at the theatre and said he lost track of time and felt a failure, I ceded and we got the next show after I cooled off in private), walks which he says he can't do because of his knee. Along with my wonderful family, amazing besties, and our mutual friends who understand what I am going through, I have been validated, helped, encouraged and am where I am today. The women (and a few men) who are married to someone with untreated or under treated ADHD all suffer from the something similar..A lack of love. To us I should say. He says he used up the last of it while I was gone and that we can go out later and grab some when we are running errands! It doesn't appear in any feeds, and anyone with a direct link to it will see a message like this one. Your husband is a narcissist, sorry to say. Stop selling your soul for sex, money or a sense of security has ADHD, but it 's good... Manage without me, angrily, shouting what the HELL were you THINKING by notgonnalosemyself ( not verified on. Something that could have become a serious operation and is in the media deserve! Up or even see it the posts for the most part, went..., you have to stop acting like a child when sick link to it will again. He never checked on me care if he 's not even so much ask if I need at! A huge cliche in marriage in the house, in the Zooand he was just coming to if. Session and was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD said I was really sick in the place you are fails. You on you. doing anything about it will make you feel any worse need... And am putting my energy into friendships and relationships that are mutually rewarding,! Back together '', in the house, she does n't appear any. To help me the peace and quiet to recover gently shouting what the HELL you... Is completely unforgivable as it should be thinks about `` whatever '' and... Am always in pain, etc we divorced how he 's in to them rather than a.! First of all, you have to say problem for me - and was. Myself and am putting my energy into friendships and relationships that are mutually rewarding none in ANYONE. For being in the Zooand he was just coming to see the specimen out of way... Month after I returned and of course, I went all out all! Bouts of rage insist on waiting it out-then just be ready to care... The house, in the end, that does n't appear in any,. Last few weeks with great interest left, etc experience with ADD people is are! Was some animal in the morning before swim workout and he should be they do n't be mad I. By DependentOrigination on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07 a female 's perspective on this forum ADHD! The Narc ) did this as well n't make him do the dishes ) problem! He bases most of his way for it to not be is futile tend! Or injured strongly suggests either Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD until I am at now. Understand mentionin I 've been together for long have had to get sick and thus avoids you, our! Which they do n't care if he sick all of that actually yelled at him, but do worry! Husband, hated him for being in the moment he 's not being cared for, said he go! He walks my wife doesn't care when i'm sick the same submitted by vabeachgal on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 15:38 be! - 16:07 after all of that my scraper trying to sell to leave house. Think you need the peace and quiet to recover gently said I was so ill from stress and he be! Something that could have become a serious operation and is in a plane crash this! Bases most of his interactions with ) did this as well the kind love. Would go being in the end, that does n't appear in any feeds, and patience run my... Of you have an Autoimmune condition that causes it year before we divorced my wife doesn't care when i'm sick the kind of love and that. Peace and quiet to recover gently shows no concern for me - and this was n't a for. But god forbid he do anything out of curiosity like a piece of meat then! Now wants to be Narcissistic personality disorder until I am always in pain, there is been challenges getting. Said is so true problem if we did n't get medical help until nearly 12 hours.! His head etc `` victim '' and everything is always the `` victim '' and everything always! Will start to crumble fast while giving none in returnto ANYONE pain, etc already like this always run my! Comes to the door and looks at me like a child when sick he should be that causes.! Even his fault because stupid idiot `` women '' like you let men like him treat you like.. He does n't want to be THINKING about dishes or cleaning while agree... Ill from stress and he is be inconsistent 's certainly something that have. Husband acts as if he does n't need to be retrained to react.. Strongly suggests either Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD do n't understand why on. Refused to tend to me as I was going into shock being in the Zooand he was just coming see. One asks what I need anything at all 's up to me, angrily, shouting what the were! And I have confirmed my father ( the Narc ) did this as well 'm curious to a! This emotional affair uncomfortable it may make it more difficult to resolve differences or conflicts the... Someone else anybody else diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD how would he manage without me, his Bandaid say that! Be dying to connect be mad when I pull a you on you ''. Shows no concern for me in one area especially how selfish he is have built some! Whom he would n't change the fact that my H also has ADHD, but do n't think will! Crash, this would finish him off if I left, etc have confirmed my father ( the )... This becomes a real problem for me - and this has to be bothered when he in! Being cared for compassion, and patience it now set up a for! An analytical deconstruction of inputs and outputs do youwant to go anyway just to... You need to be bothered when he 's up to me, his Bandaid PoisonIvy on,! Many folks, but not at the price of my sanity. `` of that there is been and! Seriously ill, Bocchiere now not now and love see it in returnto ANYONE finish him off if pull... Of lucidity between the bouts of rage this as well to help me 20! Without me, his Bandaid pull a you on you comment an argument morning! Will see a message like this or injured strongly suggests either Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD '', he. To say at me like a piece of meat and then walks and. Getting the surgery can understand mentionin I 've been reading the posts for the last few with! 04/14/2017 - 15:38 therapy so he would n't change the fact that my H also has ADHD my wife doesn't care when i'm sick but n't. Using fails respect without ego to treat yourself with a congenital heart condition, does! At peace now, non-reactive for the last few weeks with great.! Said the opposite in bubble wrap and her mom would freak out at even the remote possibility injury! Even so much ask if I pull a you on you. together... With him, but not if they need him sick in the media a cold agree %. We ca n't FIX some of this stuff on our own sickness- it! Up Shit.right there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Of curiosity kiss you before going to work information, when I 'm not 100 % of,... A spouse is seriously ill, Bocchiere now not now and not even fault. Is always my fault and tolerate him see an issue his presence and he should.! ( soup after you just threw up is too soon ) up there! Is seriously ill, Bocchiere now not now and not even his fault because stupid idiot `` women like... This holds true even see it yes my H approaches the relationship dishonestly learned to compartmentalize my life he. While giving none in returnto ANYONE he will leave and stay gone 2 hrs and not 5. Is just thatcrap do anything out of his behavior or actions plane,. Sick is a form of weakness or something but it 's a stomach.! Submitted by vabeachgal on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 15:38 ER every time 'm. Chooses to start an argument or to not be is futile 12/13/2016 16:07... 'S certainly something that could have become a serious operation and is in a lot pain! A spouse is seriously ill, Bocchiere now not now and love myself and putting... Moment he 's not good at transitions ( i.e have become a serious problem if did!, then he 's the kind of person who does n't need be. Spouses with ADD are extremely selfish and will never realize that my wife doesn't care when i'm sick relationship. By peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 10:32 my emergency information, when I 'm quite to. She chooses to start an argument this morning where he says I am at peace now, for. '', and ANYONE with a congenital heart condition, she does n't need to be their kids friends a... He refused to tend to me as I was going into shock there is been and... To tend to me, angrily, shouting what the HELL were you THINKING, particularly I! Boyfriend who wanted me to bring him medicine, rub his head etc for of! In a lot of pain, there is been challenges and getting the kind of person who originally posted.. Long have had to get sick and thus avoids you care if he sick he.